Skybarn

Mark McGwire's first press conference

sportscentr:

(Scene: Busch Stadium, St. Louis. Mark McGwire is taking questions about his new job as hitting coach of the St. Louis Cardinals.)

REPORTER #1: Mark, this is your first public appearance since testifying before Congress back in 2005. Since then, a number of superstars have tested positive for performance-enhancing. I wonder if you -

MARK MCGWIRE: Let me stop you right there. I’m not here to talk about the past.

REPORTER #2: Mark, what do you think about the most recent season of “Lost” - specifically, Sawyer’s new life as LaFleur, in 1974?

MCGWIRE: I’m not here to talk about the past. I will address only questions about the Oceanic Six’s activities in Los Angeles leading up to their return to the island.

REPORTER #3: Mark, can you talk about what it’s like to work with manager Tony Larussa, one of the smartest men in baseball, and, along with Bill Belichick, one of the smartest men in all sports?

MCGWIRE: Look, I’m not here to talk about the Pats. Next question.

REPORTER #4: Mark, you’ve always been an outspoken supporter of low-priced, blue-ribbon winning beer. How is that going to change now that you work for the Cardinals, a team who has had a long affiliation with Budweiser?

MCGWIRE: I’m not here to talk about the Pabst. I’m here to be positive about this team and its neighboring brewery.

FRENCH REPORTER: Mark, when I was a child, I once came home from baseball practice quite cold, and my mother brought me a cup of tea, along with a handful of androstenedione pills. Dispirited about my inability to hit for power, with the prospect of a depressing morrow, I raised to my lips a spoonful of the tea in which I had dissolved two of the pills. No sooner had the warm liquid mixed with the pills touched my palate than a shudder ran through me and I stopped, intent upon the extraordinary thing that was happening to me. An exquisite pleasure had invaded my senses, something isolated, detached, with no suggestion of its origin. And at once the vicissitudes of baseball had become indifferent to me, my strikeouts innocuous, my benchings illusory - this new sensation having had on me the effect which love has of filling me with a precious essence; or rather this essence was not in me it was me. Do you know what I’m talking about here, Mark?

MCGWIRE: I’m not here to talk about Remembrance of Things Past. But, yes, taking andro is totally awesome.

Ha!